The Shift

—and what it changed

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water birth of Jahmil Glory Wilson, 10.02.21

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there’s a part of my story i’m still learning how to sit with.

not because it’s too complex—

but because i didn’t always know how to hold both pain and joy at the same time.

for a long time, i’ve carried a quiet awareness around motherhood—one that doesn’t come from what i’ve been told, but from my own experience—from what i’ve lived.

before i became the mother i am today, like so many other women, i experienced loss.

not the kind that announces itself loudly.

the kind that settles into your body.

that shifts how you think.

that changes how you move.

i remember trying to make sense of it in real time.

trying to understand what was happening, what my options were, what i should be asking.

and at the same time, realizing how quickly things can move around you.

how decisions get made.

how information is delivered.

how moments that feel significant to you can feel routine to someone else.

i didn’t fully understand what it meant to be informed back then...

or what it meant to advocate for myself in a space where i was supposed to feel safe.

and that’s the part that stayed with me.

because maternal health isn’t just about outcomes.

it’s about the experience.

it’s about understanding what’s happening to your body, in your body, while it’s happening.

it’s about being given the space to ask questions.

to slow things down.

to process what’s in front of you in real time.

after that experience, something in me shifted.

i probably felt it before i could explain it..

April 17, 2014.

Now, i ask more questions.

I take my time.

I don’t assume that just because someone is a professional, they automatically know what’s best for me.

I listen to my body differently.

I trust myself more.

And I move with a deeper awareness of how important those moments are—because they matter in ways that don’t always show up immediately.

There’s a version of motherhood that people see and celebrate,

and then there’s the version that lives quietly in your body.

The one shaped by what you’ve been through—

the one that changes how you carry yourself moving forward.

That’s the version I carry with me.

Still learning what it means to move through motherhood with that awareness..

~in loving memory and honor of hayyah~

—Jah ♡